RAZORBACKS TO PLAY REDWOLFS IN TOILET BOWL

The College Bowl Selection Committee announced today that the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville will play Arkansas State University in the 2014 Clorox Toilet Bowl.

The announcement set off a rush by legislators from Northwest Arkansas trying to force outgoing Governor Mike Beebe to call for an emergency special session to try and block the matchup.

UAF Athletic Director and College Bowl Selection Committee chairman Jeff Long said the committee’s decision “has my bowels in a uproar”.

SUPERSTITIOUS RAZORBACK COACH THROWS RAZOR AWAY

The Arkansas Razorbacks shut out LSU in a 17-0 victory Saturday night in Fayetteville.  The win broke a streak of 17 straight Southeastern Conference losses for the Hogs.  LSU was ranked 17^th prior to the game and the highly superstitious Razorback football coach Bret Bielema says he will not be shaving anytime soon.  Bielema commented "I'm participating in No Shave November,  but the fact that the Hogs had lost 17 straight SEC games, LSU was rated 17^th and we beat them 17-0 is too much to ignore".

"I have a huge superstition of wearing a windbreaker on game day. I'll never get away from that. I tried to but I couldn't, and now I’m through with shaving” said Bielema.

If the Razorbacks win a game, Coach Bielema will eat the same food the next three weeks, wear the same underwear, and avoid being around his wife.

"I wanna give the people of Arkansas a championship. I do want that. Sounds silly because life's not about that but in a culture like this, those things mean a lot," Bielema explained.

"When I hear people talk about a 1964 championship and it's 2014 and they talk about it like it's yesterday, you know it's important to 'em or they have mental issues.”

OBAMA DECLARES MARTIAL LAW

In response to election results that appeared to give control of the US Senate and many State governments to Republicans, President Obama declared the entire United States and territories to be under Marshal Law.

Shortly after midnight, Department of Homeland Security agents and multiple Army units took hundreds of Republic candidates into custody citing special provisions of the Patriot Act and Obamacare and placed them in FEMA holding facilities.

President Obama has pledged to conduct investigations into what he is calling "massive voter fraud and monkey business by the Republic National Party".