ARKANSAS GOVERNOR SHUTS DOWN STATE DUE TO SNOWMAGEDDON; HIDES IN BUNKER

Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, issued an executive order this morning which ordered all state and municipal offices to be closed until further notice.

Hutchinson also initiated a little known disaster plan that called for his placing the Arkansas National Guard on alert and having all elected executive officers report to a secret bunker located under the Arkansas State Capitol.

Hutchinson, appearing to hold back tears, stated he believe that “the severe winter weather was a sure sign of the end times” and that he and other elected officials would remain in the secret bunker until the “first wave of the apocalypse was over”.

Lt. Governor Tim Griffin was contacted and he stated that he could not comment at this time as he was “headed for his bugout cabin in the Ozarks because of the Snowmageddon”.

LITTLE ROCK MARATHON FORCED TO USE ALTERNATE MEDALS DUE TO LABOR STRIKE

Little Rock Marathon race organizers are using alternate medals due to a labor strike.

Marathon spokesperson Emma Royds stated that “the LR Marathon originally placed an order for medals with a vendor in Asia and due to a dockworkers strike in San Francisco, the medals are just not going to be here by next weekend”.

Royds told reporters that “the race executive committee decided to use alternate medals and voted to change from a pirate theme to a theme that more accurately reflected Little Rock”. Royds said that a local vendor was secured by the race organizers and could have replacement medals ready by race time. Royds added that “the race last year was a fiasco and we could not have a race and not give out medals to participants”.

GOVERNMENT COVERS UP UFO CRASH IN PENNSYLVANIA

LEAKED PHOTO OF CRASHED UFO

State Police spokesman Tom “Tiny” Cox initially told reporters that an alien craft crashed on US highway 11 around 10:30 a.m. on Sunday February 15^th. Later the State Police released an update that stated it was not actually a UFO that crashed, but was an Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.

According to confidential sources, the Pennsylvania State Police received several calls from motorists about a strange looking aircraft crashing on US highway 11 Sunday morning.  Troopers quickly responded and placed a startled alien creature into custody. When federal authorities were notified and they learned that information about a UFO crashing had been released to the media, they quickly arranged for a cover story to be released.

TSOUKALOUS

Giorgio Tsoukalous, director of the Eric von Daniken’s Center of Ancient Astronaut Research, and host of In Search of Aliens, stated that ”the government typically covers up such incidents, fortunately we have credible evidence that an alien astronaut survived a crash of his spacecraft and is being held in some dark, damp secret underground facility”.

LITTLE ROCK BOARD MEMBERS WANT TO CLOSE TWIN PEAKS

Little Rock Board of director Joan Adcock wants to close Twin Peaks, a popular west Little Rock sports bar and restaurant, claiming that the female servers are actually exploited sex workers.

 Adcock stated at a recent board meeting that two other board members, Brad Cazort and Gene Fortson, made numerous fact finding missions to Twin Peaks and asked them to give statements as to what they observed.

FORTSON & CAZORT 

Cazort stated that they found the scantily clad servers “extremely seductive and very friendly, especially if you are a generous tipper”.  Fortson stated that most of the servers appeared to be wearing only “frilly lace panties and bras” and “the cold temperature of the beer seems to keep their nipples hard all the time”.  Fortson indicated that could be a health and wellness concern for the girls.

Mayor Mark Stodola scolded Cazort and Fortson for not including him in the fact finding mission.

The matter was referred to city attorney Tom Carpenter for further investigation.  Carpenter stated he would immediately begin an investigation and remarked he” would personally visit Twin Peaks as many times as necessary to get all the necessary facts”.

KANYE WEST DECLARES BEYONCE THE MESSIAH

According  to Los Angles contractor Odell A. Beck, Kanye West hired him build a chapel in his Hidden Hills estate mansion  that features a painting of Beyoncé over the alter.  West told Beck that he believed that “Beyoncé is the daughter of God; the female messiah”. 

West also told Beck that he came to this conclusion “after being locked in a closet by his wife, Kim Kardashian, for a week and only being able to listen to the song ‘Halo’ by Beyoncé  that was on an old Rio mp3 player in his sock drawer”.

West whose antics for popping up on stage at award shows to interrupt someone while they are talking and using that moment to voice praise about someone else gave birth to the popular idiom, “Pulling a Kanye”. 

JERMAIN TAYLOR TRANSFERRED TO STATE HOSPITAL FOR MENTAL EXAM

Boxing champion Jermain Taylor has been sent to the State Hospital for a physical and mental evaluation following a bond revocation hearing. The state hospital has released an autographed photo of Taylor taken shortly after his transfer from the Pulaski County Jail.

The state wants Jermain Taylor to have a mental evaluation to see if he's fit to proceed to trial and if he was competent at the time the alleged crime was committed.

Taylor allegedly brandished a handgun and fired shots at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Marade on January 19, 2015.  In 2014 Taylor was arrested after a shooting at his residence involving a relative.

Defense attorney Hubert Alexander said his team is "okay" with the order and wants to know "who Jermain Taylor is." Taylor insisted that other inmates and jail staff refer to him as the “Candy Man”.

UAF BANS THE INTERVIEW FROM CAMPUS

The University of Arkansas at Fayetteville has banned the movie The Interview from being streamed on campus.  

The UAF press release stated that the movie offers support to the University of Texas and actors in the movie are clearly depicted making the Hook’em Horn’s gesture.