RAZORBACKS TO PLAY REDWOLFS IN TOILET BOWL

The College Bowl Selection Committee announced today that the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville will play Arkansas State University in the 2014 Clorox Toilet Bowl.

The announcement set off a rush by legislators from Northwest Arkansas trying to force outgoing Governor Mike Beebe to call for an emergency special session to try and block the matchup.

UAF Athletic Director and College Bowl Selection Committee chairman Jeff Long said the committee’s decision “has my bowels in a uproar”.

SUPERSTITIOUS RAZORBACK COACH THROWS RAZOR AWAY

The Arkansas Razorbacks shut out LSU in a 17-0 victory Saturday night in Fayetteville.  The win broke a streak of 17 straight Southeastern Conference losses for the Hogs.  LSU was ranked 17^th prior to the game and the highly superstitious Razorback football coach Bret Bielema says he will not be shaving anytime soon.  Bielema commented "I'm participating in No Shave November,  but the fact that the Hogs had lost 17 straight SEC games, LSU was rated 17^th and we beat them 17-0 is too much to ignore".

"I have a huge superstition of wearing a windbreaker on game day. I'll never get away from that. I tried to but I couldn't, and now I’m through with shaving” said Bielema.

If the Razorbacks win a game, Coach Bielema will eat the same food the next three weeks, wear the same underwear, and avoid being around his wife.

"I wanna give the people of Arkansas a championship. I do want that. Sounds silly because life's not about that but in a culture like this, those things mean a lot," Bielema explained.

"When I hear people talk about a 1964 championship and it's 2014 and they talk about it like it's yesterday, you know it's important to 'em or they have mental issues.”

OBAMA DECLARES MARTIAL LAW

In response to election results that appeared to give control of the US Senate and many State governments to Republicans, President Obama declared the entire United States and territories to be under Marshal Law.

Shortly after midnight, Department of Homeland Security agents and multiple Army units took hundreds of Republic candidates into custody citing special provisions of the Patriot Act and Obamacare and placed them in FEMA holding facilities.

President Obama has pledged to conduct investigations into what he is calling "massive voter fraud and monkey business by the Republic National Party".

RAZORBACKS ANNOUNCE DEPARTURE FROM SEC

                   

University of Arkansas at Fayetteville Athletic Director Jeff Long announced today that effective the 2015-2016 school year, the UAF football program would no longer be a member of the Southeastern Conference. 

Instead Long said “ they would join the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision of Independent Schools and only play teams that there was a 100% certainty that they could beat”. Long added that “ our fans hate losing and another season of getting pounded by teams in the SEC would be more than they could stand”.

PULASKI COUNTY SETS TRAP FOR TIRE TACKER

Pulaski County installed bear traps this week along county roads northwest of Little Rock due to tacks appearing on County Farm Road that punctured tires of several cyclists’ tires riding in the Bike and Hike for ALS. “We’ve got bear traps out there to catch the stupid person who did it,” Pulaski County Judge Buddy Villines said. Villines stated that he authorized the county to purchase a dozen #16 grizzly bear traps at a cost of $279.99 each.

Pulaski County sheriff’s office spokesman Lt. Carl Minden said if a person were arrested in the incidents, he would be charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, unless a report is filed alleging $1,000 or more in damage. “It’s going to be hard catching somebody doing it, unless they get a leg caught in one of those traps” Minden said.

GOOGLE GOOFS UP

A Google Street View vehicle slammed into a Little Rock Police Car on Cantrell Road in Little Rock Wednesday afternoon. The Street View car was going the wrong way on Taylor Street, then U-turned and attempted to merge onto Cantrell Road, when it side-swiped another vehicle, then rear ended a Little Rock Police Car. 

The driver of the police car was identified as officer Jason Harris. Harris is the handler of K9 cop dog Ammo, that escaped from his pen and attacked several individuals that lived close to Harris earlier in the week. Harris declined to comment.

The driver of the Street View car declined to comment about the wreck or identify himself and was rushed nearby Fun Wash to clean his soiled clothes. A Google ID was found at the scene that identified the driver as Jack Hoff. Accident investigators determined that a short while before the accident, Hoff had been at the Diamond Bear Brewery in North Little Rock and had purchased several cases of Diamond Bear Pale Ale after taking a tour of the brewery.

The driver of the other vehicle, Jason Klinghoffer,69, said he was shaken up after the crash and accused the driver of Street View car of running red light while trying to turn onto Cantrell Road.

"Something better come out of Google's pocket for this besides the dude's ID card," Klinghoffer said.

Google could not be reached for comment.

LITTLE ROCK POLICE INVADE SALINE COUNTY OVER DOG

Little Rock Police Department invaded Saline County after a LRPD police dog attacked and bit two people, severing the hand of a neighbor, after escaping from a pen Monday night at the home of his handler LRPD officer Jason “Smiley” Harris in Alexander, AR.

Ammo, a Dutch shepherd who’s been with the Little Rock Police Department for three years, broke out of his kennel, jumped over a 6-foot fence and charged across the street into a neighbor’s yard, according to the Saline County sheriff’s office.

A report from the Saline County sheriff’s office said the dog went into Hannah Jackson’s yard on Quail Ridge Drive about 7:27 p.m. Buddy Taylor told deputies he was doing yard work when he spotted the dog “pacing in wild circles in Jackson’s yard” and “tried to grab the dog tag to see who the owner was,” reports said. According to deputies, Ammo then attacked Taylor, biting him on the leg and ate a huge chunk of leg meat. The dog then attacked Jackson and bit off her left hand. Jackson was airlifted to a Little Rock hospital and was unreachable by phone for comment. 

Investigators noted that Ammo was up to date on his shots, and the police dog’s veterinarian told investigators the dog was healthy. The dog’s handler, officer Jason Harris, was not at home when Ammo escaped, but he helped put the dog back in his kennel when he returned, officials said. By Saline County ordinance, Ammo must be “quarantined” for 10 days, though, when told this by deputies, Harris said Little Rock police policies said his dog didn’t have to be quarantined. This prompted a heated argument and when Saline County Sheriff’s deputies attempted to place Ammo in custody, Harris called for backup and LRPD sent in their SWAT unit in an armored vehicle. Not to be outdone, The Saline County Sheriff’s department responded with their own armored vehicle. 

Martial law has been declared and residents are urged to remain indoors until hostilities cease.